What does it mean to be a woman? I’m sure we all have our own ideas on what defines womanhood, but the one thing we all should have in common is the freedom and choice to live our lives as we decide.

Sadly, this isn’t the case in many parts of the world, and as South Africa in particular fights against gender violence, we find ourselves asking how we can change things.

I’ve had the same conversation with many of my female friends, as well as my sister and mother, about how we are defined as women. I’ve fought long and hard against the notion that women can only be, and do, certain things. I’ve fought against the assumption that all women are born to be mothers, caretakers, the very foundation of family and home. Because we don’t all fit the same mold, and when we don’t, we shouldn’t be shamed or punished for it.

We can’t expect others to solve our problems, or the many societal expectations placed on us, forcing us in the same direction for generations – marriage, motherhood, homemakers. If we decide that our children and spouse is, and should be, our focus, then that’s a decision made out of choice and desire. If we decide we want high-powered careers, then no person should ever try to say we’ve made the wrong choice. If we decide we want it all, then the only thing others should have to say about it should be words of support and encouragement. When I say ‘we’, I’m referring to women. I’ve been lucky enough to find my tribe among different groups of people, and they are all awe-inspiring, hardworking, decent and real women. But I’ve had many past experiences where women stand against each other, see each other as competition and enemies. If we hope to change the path of the future, and the attitude of future generations, both male and female, we have to start with us. We have to set the example of what it is to truly support, uplift and encourage a genuine feeling of sisterhood.

I have a son, so I have no experience with raising a young girl. I have nieces though, and as I watch them move towards adolescence, I fear for them. I fear they will grow up with the unconscious message that all their worth is in the length of their legs, or the flatness of their stomach, or the shine of their hair. I watch my sisters raise them and how they emphasise kindness, respect, honesty and strength. This is what we need to teach not only the female generation, but the male one too. We have to change the view that women and girls need to pretty, slim and vapid in order to be liked. We need to show them that intelligence, strength, humour and integrity are worth so much more than a symmetrical face or a perfect body. We need to teach them that women have as much right as men to take up space, to be heard, and to be seen. Boys need to be taught to shift their perspective of what women are to them, to be taught that just because women choose to look or dress a certain way, does not mean they are selling themselves or are the market to be bought.

Change starts with us. Each and every one of us. It can take only one person to start that change, but we need the momentum of many like-minded individuals to voice that change as one, so we can be heard over the roar of old values and outdated mindsets.

Happy Women’s Day. I wish you a month of being celebrated, seen and acknowledged.